Funny status messages !

1. if u need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service) lol
2. Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clocks broken and Im wide awake. Not sure who won.
3. For those who keep sending me farm ville requests Please stop! I got banned because i was growing marijuana and selling it in Mafia Wars!
4. Why do people put designs on toilet paper? It's not like when they wipe their butt there gonna be like Oh my god! a flower!!
5. Fact of life...After Monday & Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F !!
6. 2 blondes were driving 2 Disneyland the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT they started crying & headed home.
7. Some days... You just don't have enough middle fingers... ya know?
8. Sure, I talk to myself, and willingly admit it. It doesn't mean I'm crazy... just that I appreciate intelligent conversations and know where to find one ;-)
9. Cant wait for old age when I can move in with my kids and trash there house, eat all the food, pay no bills, and leave my clothes everywhere..
10. I have often looked at people and wondered, "Out of 10 million sperm, you were the fastest?"
11. I wish mosquitoes sucked fat, not blood! LOL
12. Uh oh...just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good.
13. I desperately need a massage on a tropical island with 4-5 of my best friends and a dozen or so half naked cabana boys to wait on us
14. If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things that I keep to myself!!
15. People who smile are thinking about doing something evil. People who laugh have already done it.
16. Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts :: Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
17. The purpose of mosquitoes: to make people look insane by grabbing and cussing at the air, and slapping themselves like they are hallucinating.
18. Men in their 20's play football. Men in their 30's play tennis. Men in their 40's play golf. Seems to me, men's balls get smaller the older they get!
19. If you're happy and you know it, share your meds
20. omg..could you imagine what it would be like if there were two of me?
21. I am having one of those weeks where your middle finger answers every question!
22. Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...
23. A good friend will be there to calm you down when you are mad, but a best friend will be holding a shovel asking"Do you think the hole is deep enough?"
24. What goes around comes around and when it comes around, I hope it knocks u down, runs u over, backs up and runs u over again!!
25. ..wouldn't it be cool if we could block people in real life, just like on Facebook?..one click and poof, you're gone!
26. My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity, I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it.
27. Just remember, everything happens for a reason. So when I smack you upside the head, remember... I had a reason!
28. ...Why Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOUR car!
29. Today I am going to be productive, understanding, and nice. What? Stop laughing! I'm serious!
30. if women came with instructions, nothing would change. Men don't read the instructions anyway:-)
31. Dear Lord, Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth today, its another one of those days.
32. Alright friends...Question of the day...If I came with a warning label, what would it say? (LOL) :)~
33. my cooking is fabulous, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on.
34. in the good old days, girls used to cook like their mothers, NOW THEY DRINK LIKE THEIR FATHERS...
35. Instead of a sign that says "Do Not Disturb" I need one that says "Already Disturbed Proceed With Caution."
36. I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"
37. I wish life has a remote. Play the easy times. Pause the good times. Fast forward the bullshit. Rewind the memories. =)
38. I hereby resigns from adulthood. Therefore my decisions can be solved with ennie mennie minnie moe, and I can return to having nap time and recess!
39. I want to know how the hell I can remember words to songs from years ago but can't remember what I went into the next room for!?!
40. 3 facts about life: 1 You can't touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2 Your retarded cause you just tried it. 3 Now your smiling cause you're an idiot.